A Day to be Alone
by eloquentfever
Summary: Kurt's drinking himself to death in Scandals after breaking up with Blaine. Sebastian tries to save him. Kurtbastian, with some Seblaine/Klaine. TW: suicidal thoughts, depression, self-loathing. Inspired by "A Day to be Alone" by One Less Reason. Oneshot.


_this is wrote and rewrote and thought of publishing then said no, then finally caved in and here it is. it is a Kurtbastian, with mentions of other pairings, mostly Klaine with bits of Seblaine and it is inspired by "A Day to be Alone" by One Less Reason. now, i'm not sure about how i feel about this. generally, it's good, but unsure. it's full of both Sebangst and Kurt hurt, and it is insanely insanely insanely...well, it made me go insane writing it. i originally wrote this on my phone which is why i had to rewrite it so many times. grr. damn phone fics that spur out of freakin' nowhere. so, Sammy out!_

* * *

He doesn't think it matters how he's gotten to Scandals again anymore. He doesn't understand half the mixes when he sees them, but he orders them all. He's staring down at a gin and tonic and drowns it like it's going to fix him right now. He laughs and it's as bubbly as the champagne glasses. Somewhere along the lines, his iPhone is buzzing with constant '_where are you_?'s and '_I'm worried about you'_ from someone familiar, someone nice, someone that's named Blaine Anderson.

He wishes he understands how to give a fuck anymore. He waits for the bartender to refill his glass with a tequila shot, and he drowns it down in a second. He shouldn't be here anyway and the dance floor is buzzing with colours of orange and pink and purple and blue and he wants to dance too. He wonders how happy feels like at the back of his mind.

The bartender, Oliver, refills his shot without even asking him. "What's your mental disorder, kid?"

His light coloured eyes stare back at Oliver with a small smile to his face. So he laughs and he laughs and he laughs like it cares anymore. He honestly doesn't give a damn if he's suddenly fucked against the counter or if he's going to puke all over his new Prada shoes anymore, or if Blaine's going to break up with him again. Kurt Hummel's lost all of his dignity as he asks for another shot, but Oliver doesn't refill his glass.

"You see the bridge near the hospital?" he's laughing again, a little too loud, as he stares at the window, almost as if he can see the bridge that is miles off constructed perfectly. "The one that's also near that new deluxe seafood chain?"

Oliver nods. "Yeah. What about it?"

Kurt's still grinning wildly, still staring at the window, as he says in a soft voice. "I'm gonna throw myself off it and kill myself one day."

This time, Oliver does refill his glass and Kurt takes the shot, as his long, elongated fingers curl up.

"I know someone just like you," Oliver's voice is a bit lower, and then he nods off to east direction. "You remind me of him."

Kurt whips his head and his eyes suddenly meet a figure with a dark violet blazer on him, as he breaks the snooker balls to start up a game. There's a champagne cup by his side and it's still full. He cocks his head to one side, as he moves around the pool table, allowed his opponent, a freckled college student to take a shot. He's tinier than before somehow, prettier but uglier, and he smells of rotting Paris decay.

"Him?" Kurt's eyes are fixated on Sebastian's face.

Oliver pours a customer a martini and doesn't even look up again, sure of himself, as he says. "He's your mirror, kiddo."

"He's a _baaaaaaaaaaaaaastard_," Kurt says, as he giggles, tipsy, as he stares back at Oliver's face.

"He's my son."

Kurt now stares at Oliver more intently as Oliver continues. "I watch him, you know. He sits here, drinks, and drinks and drinks himself to a bloody mess then he lets anyone have his way with him. Guys that are younger than him, older than him, same age, some of them he'd never see again, some are regulars."

"Why don't you stop him?" Kurt's eyes are staring back at the iPhone. _KURT PLEASE ANSWER YOUR PHONE_. He doesn't know if the Lady Gaga that's suddenly playing is his ringtone or if it's from the stereos or anything anymore. _Why doesn't anyone stop me?_

"'Cause he'd punch me in the face," Oliver shrugs and Kurt's reminded of the time he's swung a punch at Blaine and they end up crying against his car. "He told me once – he wanted to drive past the hospital in my car, and he won't give a shit if he totals it. He wants to stare at the stars, and then throw himself off a bridge after he drowns himself in a shitload of champagne."

"What happened?" Kurt honestly doesn't think Sebastian has a knight in shining armour anymore.

"Told me he was an idiot," Oliver says, pouring a beer for a blonde in front of him. "Told me that the stars here suck and they don't shine as bright as Paris."

Kurt doesn't answer to that, and then picks off a straw and stirs in the little alcohol that's left at the bottle of his glass.

"He's a good kid," Oliver suddenly brings up.

"Oh, please, Father," Sebastian's voice is cold and calculating and he doesn't look like he gives a damn about anyone but himself and Kurt's just glad that someone hasn't changed. "I _am_ a bastard. Stop trying to fucking _save_ me."

"Never said I was, Bas."

"You're a retard," Sebastian says and Kurt just stares at him. If he's told that to his Father, he'd be slapped for all the right reasons, but Oliver doesn't even seem like he cares. He takes a sip of the champagne there, and then continues his game.

Kurt takes Sebastian's champagne and drinks from it. He waits for Sebastian to say something. He doesn't. Instead, he looks at Kurt and then says. "Don't you think you've had enough?"

"Am I _dead_ yet?"

"You won't drink that much," Sebastian suddenly says, as he finishes off the game, loses, but doesn't seem to care as he stares at Kurt, yes completely serious. "You don't want to die out of alcohol intoxication."

"What makes you say that?"

"Because you're _Hummel_. You want to die _pretty_."

Kurt doesn't say anything to that, and Sebastian takes his silence as a yes. "I want to see where you live," Kurt says. "Do you really live with a pack of wolves and Oliver?"

Sebastian nods, takes the cup from Kurt, and puts it down. For some reason, Sebastian agrees and takes Kurt upstairs to the Scandals' second floor only for Kurt to realise that Sebastian _lives_ in Scandals and for some reason, Kurt's looking all around it and thinks it's pretty and there is so much white. Sebastian's standing there as Kurt inspects his toaster.

"It's gorgeous."

"Always knew you had a toaster fetish."

"Where's your room?" Sebastian knows where this is leading too, yet he doesn't care as he takes Kurt to his room and Kurt's staring at it with wide amazed eyes.

"For a room in a bar, it isn't bad."

Kurt hears his iPhone buzz again but he ignores the call and it's three am and Blaine still cares. Kurt laughs. He looks at Sebastian, and then pulls him against the bedside and makes out with him. Sebastian lets Kurt take control for that one second, running his fingers into Kurt's hair. "Stop." Sebastian hisses. "You're a fucking virgin."

"You see me get drunk all the time. You know that—"

"But someone always saves you, don't they? And he's been fucking calling you every fifteen minutes for the past three hours."

Kurt shrinks away and then stares at his iPhone. Blaine's tested him again_. I'm driving to Scandals, Kurt_. He's not there though and he can feel Blaine's face when he finds out that he's not there to save him anymore. "Why did you bring me here?"

Sebastian points upwards, towards the ceiling and Kurt doesn't understand until Sebastian pulls him upstairs. He doesn't remember why people go up in the roof in Scandals. The roof's big, and the blackness is hazy and the stars just look like scattered white fragmented dots of another universe. Kurt laughs. The vast blackness is pretty though. Somehow. "What are you fucking playing at, Seb-"

Sebastian puts a hand over Kurt's mouth. They're staring into each other's eyes. Sebastian pulls his hand away and then states. "Scream." His voice is final.

"_Scream_," he says more forcefully this time.

Kurt gets lost in those green eyes. He laughs again and then stares at the sky, and wonders where the stars are. Before he lets out an ear-shattering scream that sends blood curdling towards his skull, as if everything's been ripped out into one singular scream.

"God, I hate this." Kurt says, eyes full of tears. "I hate _this_. I hate _everyone_. I hate _everything_. I hate…I hate those days where I can't _sleep_ anymore. I hate…I hate how I couldn't get into fucking NYADA. I hate being as gay as Hell. I hate my Prada shirt. I want to throw up all over my Chanel bag. I hate that I want to cut off my dick because I don't fucking _need_ it with how people look at me. I hate…I hate—"

Kurt grabs Sebastian by the collar of his violet blazer. "I hate _you_."

Kurt hears the phone ring in the distance. He swears he can hear Blaine crying for him. "I hate how I can break up with Blaine a hundred times and he still tries to come and _save_ me. I hate Blain Anderson so much that it hurts. I hate you so much that it hurts. I hate myself so much that it's…it's fucking _enough_. I can't stand it anymore. Nothing. Nada. _Zippo_."

Kurt takes in a deep breath and lets out another scream. "And you know, Bas? I'd rather _throw_ myself off a bridge and _kill myself_ a thousand times over than fucking _look_ at you right now. Because that's how much I fucking _hate_ you!" He laughs as if it's a joke.

"Okay," Sebastian says, and then his voice lowers an octave, and gets weaker. "_Okay_."

Kurt suddenly stares at Sebastian, then suddenly breaks down, sobbing uncontrollably and Sebastian doesn't hold him, and doesn't lean down to comfort him. Kurt remembers Blaine doing that to him, holding him, comforting him…somehow. Somewhere. Kurt's eyes are so full of tears, so bloodshot that he doesn't want to look in the mirror.

"I hate myself," Kurt repeats.

"I hate how brown my hair is. I hate my blue eyes. I hate how they remind my Dad about my fucking dead Mother. I hate that you look a lot like me. I hate how you almost blinded my ex-boyfriend. I hate….I hate…I hate…"

Kurt takes a deep breath.

"I HATE…"

Kurt's breathing slows down. "I hate _this_." He really doesn't know what _this_ is anymore.

"Tell me," Sebastian's voice is apathetic now, as he grabs onto Kurt's shoulder, spinning him towards him. "Tell me again—about how you'd rather fucking kill yourself instead of look at me right now."

Kurt doesn't look at Sebastian's eyes for a while, but he eventually does and now he hates them even more—they're full of _pain_, too.

"Fucking smile, Hummel."

"What?"

"Smile for your toaster fetish."

Kurt glares at him, and then produces the fakest smile that Sebastian's ever seen.

"What a crappy smile."

Kurt attacks Sebastian, nearing him towards the ledge of the roof, and Sebastian's just a line between life and death right now, as Kurt pins his wrists, staring at him darkly, almost murderously. "My turn to order you around like my personal bitch."

Sebastian just laughs mockingly. "You've got to be joking."

"I'll throw you off this fucking roof if you don't comply."

"Firstly, no, you won't, because you don't have it in you to murder anyone. Secondly, I don't give a fuck about you trying to kill me."

Kurt's eyes soften slightly and he remembers Oliver's words from the bar. Then he asks. "Why do you want to do it?"

"Same reason you do," Sebastian mutters. "He loves someone else."

"We love the same person…" Kurt doesn't even want to say his name just in case he doesn't get vomit all over Sebastian's new loafers.

"He still tries to save me," Kurt says.

"He keeps on calling every fifteen minutes."

"He doesn't love me. He just doesn't want the guilt of having someone die because of him," Kurt laughs again and he remembers Blaine kissing away his tears and that just makes him laugh harder. "What? No 'we're gonna get back together?' talk. You're bad at this, Smythe."

Sebastian stares at Kurt. "We could've fought," he suddenly says. "Could've fought for him."

"I hate myself," Kurt suddenly repeats again.

They lapse into silence and Sebastian asks. "For not fighting?"

"I didn't have him to lose him," Kurt finally says in the end, and then stares at the vastness. "The stars are really pretty tonight."

"It's a good night to drive past a fucking hospital and throw yourself off a bridge and hope he'll come running after you."

Kurt nods.

"We can end it all," Kurt finally says after a while, locking his eyes with Sebastian, eyes desperate. "We can kill each other. Throw ourselves off—"

Sebastian puts his hand up, halting Kurt's speech and then says. "Don't."

"I thought you wanted to kill yourself too."

Sebastian stares up at the sky. "I do."

"What? The stars don't shine as bright as Paris?" Kurt teases darkly.

"Should tape Oliver's mouth," he mutters, not even calling his Father as 'Father', or 'Dad', just Oliver –like at the bar.

"…don't," he finally repeats again, voice softer this time.

"How do you do it? Not throw yourself off a bridge for him? For Blaine? How do you not…how do you save yourself all of the fucking time?"

Sebastian shrugs.

"What do we do now?"

Sebastian shrugs again and then says. "I dunno. Find something worth living for. Isn't that what your fucking Glee club sings about?"

Kurt looks up to see the angry-faced Sebastian and freezes.

"You know what, Hummel? I should knock some fucking _sense_ into you."

"I don't sing anymore," Kurt whispers.

"You know what Anderson gave you? An empty promise in this fucking ring," Sebastian grabs and then shows Kurt the finger where Kurt has _that_ promise ring, that promise ring that _he_ gave him and is he still _calling_?

Sebastian balls his hands into fists and there are tears in his eyes. "You're insane. It's just fucking Anderson. It's…" his lips are trembling as he punches Kurt. His fist collides with Kurt's face, sending him backwards towards the ledge as Kurt glares at him coldly.

"That's it? That's all you got, Sebastian?" Kurt spits out.

Sebastian goes for another blow but this time, Kurt blocks it and sends an upper-cut to Sebastian's mouth. "There." Kurt whispers, with emptiness in his voice. "There."

"You were better than _this_," Sebastian hisses, spitting out venomously. "Better than _me_."

Sebastian grabs Kurt's lips and then kisses him, hard. Kurt responds with the same roughness, as Kurt's hands wrap around Sebastian's waist, and Kurt feels Sebastian's hand on his shoulder, and then grazing on his cheek and…

Kurt pulls away and stares into his eyes. He can feel Sebastian's phone vibrating in his pocket. Their chests are heaving. They are breathing.

Kurt looks down.

"I hate myself."

He waits for Sebastian to punch him again, instead, he just says. "I know." Sebastian cups Kurt's cheek softly, almost affectionately. If Kurt looks away, then he can pretend that Sebastian's eyes aren't filling with those hot, fresh tears.

Kurt whispers under his breath. Scandals is a mantra of memory. It brings them together and tears them apart. "I hate you too."

Sebastian just nods, not even wanting to respond to the most well-known fact in the world. "I just wish."

"That the stars shine like the ones in Paris?"

"Something like that."

The next morning, Blaine finds Kurt on his bedside. Blaine sighs in relief, that Kurt's just still alive as he brings himself closer to him. He cups Kurt's cheeks, and then smiles at him. Kurt opens his eyes and stares at Blaine with a soft broken smile on his lips. "Flowers," Blaine says and then gives Kurt the maroon-red roses, and he stares at them, because they're beautiful.

Kurt finds a note in the midst of the roses, and pulls it out.

_'I'll kill myself if you do, Hummel. I only say this because a worrisome bitch like you will actually give a damn.' –SS_

Kurt rolls his eyes and flips the note, where tears prick into his eyes, and he now has a reason to live.

_'I just wish you'd fucking be able to see that I can kill myself any time I want. Don't need no fucking stars from Paris, when your eyes shine just like the lights in Paris…don't you get it, you thick-headed bitch? I love YOU...and we were supposed to save each other. We're supposed to fight for each other. Fight for me. Fight so we can love each other, so we can be okay. So I can be okay. –SS'_

Sebastian gets a bouquet of red roses the next day and he cries as he drives off to Scandals to drink himself to death, because now, he has _no_ reason to live.

_"I wish you can love me as much as you love him. –BA"_

* * *

_**recap and explanation because a lot of people didn't seem to get the ending**: this fanfic starts off with Kurt's downward spiral. he pretty much just goes into Scandals to drink his depression away after a Klaine break-up. it's implied that Blaine initiated the break-up so he might not love Kurt but he cares about him enough to check on him every hour he's in Scandals. Kurt doesn't answer any of these calls, believing that it doesn't matter. when Kurt is drunk, he spills out his secret to a bartender whom is also Sebastian's Father and tells him that he wants to kill himself. Oliver, the bartender, admits that Sebastian also has been suicidal before and the reason he isn't suicidal anymore is, and quote Oliver, "Told me that the stars here suck and they don't shine as bright as Paris." this can be taken as a metaphor for 'i want my suicide to be perfectly planned and beautiful', or what i wanted here to say was that Sebastian gave Oliver a stupid reason only to hide the real reason he did it. it can go either ways. you can conjure up your own understanding, if it's a metaphor or if it's just a direct observation that made Sebastian feel nostalgic enough to not kill himself. it's up to you. i used the whole 'Sebastian wanted his suicidal to be planned out precisely and perfectly,' because when he goes up to Kurt and confronts, he says that Kurt won't die of alcohol intoxication because and quote, _"Because you're _Hummel_. You want to die _pretty." _

_here, there's an idea of saviours. Sebastian tells Oliver to 'not fucking save him', meaning that people have tried to reach out to Sebastian (Oliver here) but Sebastian denies it. this goes back to Kurt not answering Blaine's calls despite Blaine 'trying to save Kurt'. Sebastian takes Kurt to the roof so he can let out his frustrations through screaming, aka going back to that feeling people get where they just want to scream from how emotional they do get. that's what Sebastian told him to do. scream it out because no words would suffice. this results into Kurt pretty much talking about all the things he hated. repeating how much he hated Sebastian as well, "And you know, Bas? I'd rather __throw_ myself off a bridge and _kill myself_ a thousand times over than fucking _look_ at you right now. Because that's how much I fucking _hate_ you!" like that. after Kurt lets it out, Kurt asks Sebastian why he wanted to kill himself. Sebastian finally explains that the person he loves loves someone else, which is parallel to Kurt's situation. Kurt asks him how he manages to not want to kill himself, which Sebastian just states that they should just 'find something worth living for'. 

_now pay attention to this particular moment:_

_(Sebastian just nods, not even wanting to respond to the most well-known fact in the world. "I just wish."_

_"That the stars shine like the ones in Paris?"_

_"Something like that.") _

_later on, Sebastian sends Kurt a bouquet saying that 'I'll kill myself if you do, Hummel. I only say this because a worrisome bitch like you will actually give a damn.' –SS._

_now this confuses people_

_(Kurt rolls his eyes and flips the note, where tears prick into his eyes, and he now has a reason to live._

_'I just wish you'd fucking be able to see that I can kill myself any time I want. Don't need no fucking stars from Paris, when your eyes shine just like the lights in Paris…don't you get it, you thick-headed bitch? I love YOU...and we were supposed to save each other. We're supposed to fight for each other. Fight for me. Fight so we can love each other, so we can be okay. So I can be okay. –SS') _

_this goes back to the fact that Sebastian finally admits what's really making him want to kill himself, which is not really the fact that the stars don't shine as bright as Paris, but because he loves someone else and the one whom he's in love with (Kurt) is in love with someone else (Blaine) . here we realise he's in love with Kurt. Kurt, you know previously, is in love with Blaine and is to the point of suicide because of it. however, 'Kurt now has a reason to live' suggests the fact that Kurt has found something to fight for and put in effort for. maybe the small encounter he had with Sebastian made him develop the smallest amount of feelings for him. maybe not. it's all up to you why Kurts response is so positive. _

_ironically, we found out in the end that (Sebastian gets a bouquet of red roses the next day and he cries as he drives off to Scandals to drink himself to death, because now, he has no reason to live._

_"I wish you can love me as much as you love him. –BA") 'him' is obviously Kurt. _

_ to explain this: Sebastian is in love with Kurt. and Kurt is in love with Blaine but Blaine is in love with Sebastian. Sebastian has to live with the fact that the boy whom he's in love with is battling suicidal thoughts 'because of him', because Blaine is in love with Sebastian. aka 'if i didn't exist, Kurt and Blaine would be together so I'm the reason Kurt is hurting himself' sort of thinking. there's a lot of guilt associated with it. Sebastian can't handle the fact. he cant live with the guilt so he goes off to drink himself to death (or so it implies). i wrote it in a vague manner hoping that people pick off the hints here and there but that doesn't mean that everyone shares my thought process. anyway, thank you for reading and sorry for this really huge AN to explain everything that went on._

_xo Peanut Butter/Sam _


End file.
